


Pain feels okay • renhyuck

by porcelainbae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of toxic behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainbae/pseuds/porcelainbae
Summary: The five times Renjun and Donghyuck push each other away and the one time they don't let the other go.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 9
Kudos: 78





	Pain feels okay • renhyuck

1

“You look cute.” 

There was a time when Renjun would love to hear such compliments, when he even would make everything he could to hear those words coming out from people’s mouths. Especially when it comes from Donghyuck.

When he was eleven that was the best thing someone could say to him, but it’s real value came only when Lee Donghyuck mumbled it every time Renjun went over his house to play. He used to love it, actually. He used to love being called cute to the point Renjun would do anything he could for Donghyuck to whisper such sweet words into his ear.

Now, being twenty years old, Renjun hates it.

His body still gets that wave of warmth whenever Donghyuck hugs him from behind and murmurs a soft  _ cute _ in his ear when they meet on the campus. His legs still feel weak when Donghyuck looks at him from head to toe, only to smile after and nod while he whistles a  _ cute _ that makes Renjun’s cheeks turn bright red. His body still feels funny, with butterflies in his stomach and his heart racing inside his chest, when they’re laying down on Donghyuck’s bed and he fills the silence with a  _ cute _ that takes his breath away. 

His body reacts to it but Renjun hates it. He hates it because even after eleven years, Donghyucl still sees a  _ cute _ Renjun instead of a  _ seductive  _ Renjun, no matter how hard he’s tried to show the other he’s no longer that little boy with a snaggletooth. 

So he decides to ignore him. 

Renjun walks faster, pressing his books against his body as he rushes to the dorms. It doesn’t matter how quick he tries to go, Donghyuck still matches his pace and slides an arm around his neck, obligating Renjun to slow down again. 

“Are you in a hurry, cutie?”

Renjun rolls his eyes. 

“I told you to stop with that.” 

He doesn’t need to turn around to see Donghyuck’s lips stretching in a wide smile. He just knows it’s happening, and when Donghyuck chuckles, both his heart and his face seem affected. 

So he decides to stay quiet and just keep walking until both of them are standing in front of Renjun’s room.

As soon as the door opens, Donghyuck walks inside as if it was his place too, and Renjun needs to suppress that need of making it a reality. 

He fights with himself as he crosses the door and closes it behind his back. When he lifts his gaze, Donghyuck is already sitting on his bed and signaling him to take the place next to him.

Renjun leaves his bag near the door and starts walking towards his friend when his phone suddenly starts buzzing inside his pocket. He stops to check it as he lifts a finger in Donghyuck’s direction to tell him to wait. 

When his phone’s screen lights up and he sees the new notification in the lock screen, Renjun frowns and tilts his head a little. 

“What is it?” Donghyuck wonders and he stands up. 

“It’s Shin Jaesu,” Renjun is quick to reply.

He fails to notice how Donghyuck frowns too and purses his lips a little. “What does he want?” 

But Renjun doesn’t answer, instead, he starts to type while his bottom lip is trapped between his teeth and it only makes Donghyuck’s frown deepened.

“What does he want?” Donghyuck asks again, and this time is not as nice as it usually is.

Yet Renjun fails to notice it too, lifting his gaze to look into his friend’s eyes as he flashes a big smile. His phone rings again and his attention goes back to the screen. He types another message and, finally, after he successfully sends it, locks his phone and shoves it inside his pocket again. 

Donghyuck is about to ask the same question for the third time but he receives an answer before he can open his mouth.

“He asked me out.” 

“What?”

“Shin Jaesu,” Renjun talks again, pronouncing each word as slow as he can, “asked me out on a date. He wants me to go on a date with him next weekend.”

“You can’t.” 

This time is Renjun who looks at Donghyuck with confusion written all over his face. “What?”

“You can’t go on a date with him.” Donghyuck crosses his arms on his chest and pulls the obstinate card on Renjun. “I won’t let you go there. Shin Jaesu is the worst piece of shit from our university, there’s no way I’ll let you go.” 

Of course, Renjun is not in the mood to deal with his shit. 

“Who do you think you are to decide who can I date?” 

Donghyuck scoffs and walks the few remaining steps towards Renjun. His height difference makes it easier for Donghyuck to also pull his authoritative self when he looks down on him on purpose.

His voice then sounds lower, deeper, and it makes Renjun shiver even if he doesn’t want to.

“I’m your best friend, Huang Renjun, and it’s my duty to protect you from those who can harm you.” Donghyuck takes a step towards his friend and makes him take a step back. “I don’t care if you’ll get mad later, I won’t let you go on that date with that son of a bitch.” 

His steps don’t stop until Renjun is pressed against the wall, eyes fixed on Donghyuck’s, and their faces way too close he can even sense his breath on his lips.

The temptation is big, more now that Renjun is just a few centimeters away from making one of his wildest dreams truth. He’s so close to Donghyuck he can almost taste his kisses, he can almost feel how warm his body would feel surrounded by Donghyuck’s arms. He can almost…

But his body, for once, decides not to surrender to his overwhelming presence. 

An unknown strength makes him push Donghyuck back, making the boy trip and fall. He then feels how fresh air makes its way into his system once he’s finally free from Donghyuck. 

From his place, he looks down at the boy. It’s like someone else owns his body when Renjun starts to walk far from him, right to his own bed. When he sits there, Donghyuck is still on the floor, confusion showing again in his face.

“Leave now,” Renjun says and he can’t quite identify himself. “You have no right to treat me like I’m your property.”

“I’m not yours.” 

And if it feels like he’s recriminating him, that’s entirely Renjun’s business.

2

It’s been three days since Renjun last saw Donghyuck, and to say he’s worried is to say the least. That night Donghyuck simply stood up and walked out of Renjun’s room, not even trying to look back; ever since then, the boy hasn’t replied to any of his texts. He doesn’t answer his calls and even when Renjun finds him on the campus, Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t know him. And that just hurts way too much for Renjun to let it pass. 

Now it’s friday and they’re supposed to hang out together as they do ever since they were ten. Neither Donghyuck nor Renjun missed any of their friday nights together. 

It never happened, and surely it won’t happen now, right?

_ Right? _

Renjun tries to shove his worries away and he succeeds, deciding to focus on making their friday night the perfect opportunity for him to apologize. 

If he has to be honest, Renjun totally understands the reason why Donghyuck reacted that way. It’s true that Jaesu doesn’t have the best reputation and so, it’s totally clear why Donghyuck was so against the idea of him going out with said guy. 

Renjun understands it and so he needs to say he’s sorry.

That’s how he ends walking around a convenience store while trying to figure out what to prepare to make Donghyuck’s tummy happy. He’s known the boy for more than ten years now and of course, he knows how to earn his forgiveness. He’s hopeful, they rarely fight so…. Renjun is hoping for the best. 

When he decides to buy some ramen and just go for a basic, it’s almost time for them to have their usual meeting. Renjun rushes to pay, and with a smile, he starts his way back to his place.

The weather is nice and it somehow eases his nervousness. There’s something about the chill breeze and the warm still lingering to his body that makes him feel like anticipating something. It’s like that  _ something _ is pushing him to an unknown destination as he makes his way through the people. It’s that breeze that leads his way, and it’s that warmth that makes him fear nothing. 

So he just roams around the streets, feeling like flying until that comfortable  _ something _ that was guiding him stops. And he realizes why. 

He’s in front of an alley. Nothing out of the ordinary, just people inside there that are trying to ruin their own lives, and Renjun, honestly, couldn’t care less.

Until he sees him. 

Renjun recognizes his purple hair and that leather jacket he himself gifted him not long ago. He’s known Donghyuck for more than ten years now, yes, so of course, he just knows how to differentiate him from others, even when the only thing he can see from Donghyuck is his back. 

He doesn’t know he’s holding his breath until it’s difficult to breathe. By then some of Donghyuck’s friends have already noticed his presence.

Renjun sees Hendery pointing at him, and then Donghyuck’s eyes land on him too.

“D-Donghyuck?” Renjun stutters and he doesn’t know exactly why.

He sees the boy hesitate a little before turning to him and taking a few steps towards him, just enough for them to have a proper conversation without having to yell or raise their voices. 

“Donghyuck,” Renjun repeats, hiding the bag he’s holding behind his back, “what are you doing here?” 

“Why don’t you go home?” Donghyuck replies with another question and only then, when the smoke of a cigarette makes him cough is when he realizes Donghyuck is smoking. Again. 

“You said you quit it,” the chinese boy adds with a frown on his face.

“Well, I didn’t.”

“Hyuck, what happens?” 

A sigh makes it way out from Donghyuck’s mouth after he puffs out the cigarette and throws it on the ground, pressing it with the tip of his shoes. 

“Go home, Renjun.” 

Renjun shakes his head. “No,” he mumbles and steps a little more closer to him to grab his arm. “It’s friday, Hyuck.” 

It’ll be a lie if Renjun says it didn’t hurt when Donghyuck looked back at him with a blank expression, as if now knowing what was he talking about. It doesn’t take long for Renjun to feel how his heart gets crushed when Hendery calls Donghyuck’s name again and the boy instantly looks back at him, as if his talk with Renjun was nothing. 

But definitely nothing hurts him more than having Donghyck’s annoyed stare back at him.

“I don’t have time for this, Renjun,” he says and takes another cigarette, one that was hidden on top of his ear. Donghyuck then places it between his lips and looks inside his pockets for a lighter. “Go home now, it’s getting late.”

Renjun’s eyes are focused on the flame that soon lights said cigarette and fills Donghyuck’s mouth with that disgusting smoke.

“It’s bad for your help,” he simply whispers back when his friend lets it out to the side, still taking the care so it won’t hit Renjun directly.

“I’m not yours, Renjun,” Donghyuck replies shortly after. “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

3

The next time Renjun sees Donghyuck it’s on monday, when he bumps into him without expecting it. 

Again, he spent days without knowing anything from his best friend. Not his whereabouts, not even a single reply to the uncountable texts he sent him during the weekend. 

He’s already feeling bad, feeling sad because of the words Donghyuck said to him that the last thing he wants it’s to mess with his damaged confidence. He’s not hoping for the best when their paths meet, Renjun just wants to have a day where his heart doesn’t hurt like if someone is taking it out of his chest. But he’s not that lucky… he’s never that lucky.

He knows it.

And the purple marks on Donghyuck’s neck just confirm it. 

It doesn’t take long for Renjun to know Donghyuck probably didn’t have a good sleep. He wears his favorite pair of sunglasses whenever it happens, and that’s the only accessory he’s wearing now.

“Hyuck,” Renjun calls as soft as he can and he successfully gets his attention. 

“Where were you?” he asks. 

But  _ oh, boy,  _ he’s been wrong if he thought the boy would answer back.

Donghyuck lands his gaze on him for a brief second before moving it to somewhere else in the hallway. It’s slow, his body moves way slower than what it usually does, so it’s easy for Renjun to move again to block his way. 

“Answer me, Lee Donghyuck.” 

He finally gets what he wants when Donghyuck takes his sunglasses off.

“What do you want, Huang Renjun?”

_ Yeah, it hurts. _

“Who made you that?” 

Renjun doesn’t know what exactly makes him want to run away. He’s not sure whether if it’s the cold tone Donghyuck is using to talk to him or if it’s maybe the fact that someone didn’t hesitate to leave a trace, a mark, on his body, just so everyone else could know Donghyuck was theirs for once.

It’s maybe the frustration of knowing he would never be able to kiss him like how others do, that he’ll never be able to hold his best friend and to be hold by him. That he’ll never get to see him touching the sky, and that no one ever would love Donghyuck as much as he does, and yet he’ll never be able to show it. 

Then Donghyuck gives him a side-smile and fills his words with poison just to hurt him. It’s the way he starts to tell him how this other boy touched him, how he bit places only he could see. It’s the way he whispers how good his lips felt and how that was the best sex he ever had. 

It’s all of that, those words whose only intention is to hurt him, that make Renjun raise his hand and slap him hard. 

_ He should be grateful, _ Renjun thinks, no one is there to witness it. No one will ever say a thing that could hurt Donghyuck’s reputation. 

He should be grateful…

Because even if Donghyuck tries hard to hurt him, Renjun can’t be forever mad.

“You’re not any better than Shin Jaesu,” Renjun spits, doing his best to hold his tears back. 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck agrees. A hand holds his cheek and the other fixes his sunglasses back to their correct position. “I’m not any better than him. You should stop looking for me, Jun. I’m not worthy.” 

There’s something that hurts more than someone trying to cause pain to you, and that’s knowing someone is trying to hurt the person you love. Even more when said person is the one putting themselves down just like what Donghyuck is doing. 

“Don’t,” he warns him. 

“Renjun, just leave me alone,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Just go.”

And it’s weak. His arms barely make Renjun move. The action itself doesn’t do anything to him, it’s the meaning behind it that makes Renjun finally let the tears roll down freely. 

It’s knowing Donghyuck is no longer with him. 

4

Renjun decides to focus on other things, no matter how hard it really is. He does what he has to, even if that’s texting Shin Jaesu back after a few days ignoring him.

Surprisingly the guy replies after a minute, and with just a few texts he makes Renjun consider again his request of going out on a date and, well, that’s how he ended up waiting for the boy in a crowded street on a saturday night.

Until then Renjun did his best keeping Donghyuck out of his head. The fact that the purple-haired boy also kind of disappeared made it easier for Renjun to simply think about Jaesu and the date. 

Actually, Shin Jaesu was a big help for the chinese. Somehow he always popped in front of him whenever thoughts of Donghyuck showed in his head. And just like any other time for the last three days, just when Renjun is about to wonder how his best friend is doing, Jaesu shakes a hand in front of his face. 

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Jaesu says, “have you been waiting for too long?”

Renjun nods, sharing a little smile with his date for the night. Jaesu smiles back and takes Renjun’s hand on his. 

“Are you ready to have the best day of your life?” he looks so sure of himself that it only makes Renjun chuckle.

“My expectations are high.”

“They better be.”

-

Jaesu takes him to a small fair and, together, they play almost every game there, resulting in Jaesu winning some prizes -like the teddy bear Renjun hugs tightly because it somehow reminds him of Donghyuck.

They talk about almost everything that soon enough Renjun forgets about that playful thought about his best friend that came to his mind. He focuses on the stories Jaesu is telling him, on how he went to the United States for the first time ever knowing how to say  _ hello  _ and  _ goodbye _ only. He also tells him about his family and the big, old cat that’s followed him for almost seven years now and who Jaesu considers his best friend.

Renjun is quick to forget about those rumors about him because, honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time someone tells lies about someone else. 

_ Maybe,  _ he thinks as they walk to the café Jaesu talked about too,  _ maybe this is my chance? _

Jaesu holds the door for him when they reach the place. The first thing he notices is the big windows that leave almost no room for real walls there. Needless to say, Renjun loves how the city looks once he’s inside there.

Jaesu holds his hand again and softly pulls him to an empty table. 

“I’ll order for you.”

With an eyebrow raised, Renjun asks: “Do you know what I like?”

“Let me surprise you?”

The chinese boy bites his bottom lip and nods.

A sigh finds its way out of his lips as he looks at his date walking over to the counter. He totally could get used to this, to sweet and cute dates just like the ones Jaemin tells him about. He could totally ask Jaemin and Jeno, currently the only couple in their group of friends, to go on a double date. 

Renjun is so deep in his own thoughts that he fails to notice a guy who walks straight towards him with fire in his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

Soon, the people in the café are looking at them. 

How could they not when, all of a sudden, a boy just pops up to yell?

“Huang Renjun I told you-”

“You told me to leave you alone,” Renjun fires back.

The place suddenly becomes silent. Not even the coffee machines make a sound, not ever the customers make a sound. It’s all quiet, silent, to the point Renjun almost forgets he’s not in a public place.

But the peace doesn’t last long. Donghyuck pulls his arm and seconds later he’s taking him out of the coffee shop before the piercing gaze of the people there. 

As Donghyuck drags him to somewhere Renjun still doesn’t know, he wonders how the hell a date can end like this. 

-

“I told you he’s an asshole!”

Donghyuck stops walking when he finds a less crowded place and only when he makes sure Renjun won’t walk away, he lets his arm go.

“Why do you care so much?” Renjun is frustrated and it shows in the way his voice comes harsher than what he expected.

The purple-haired boy just stares at him in silence and for a second it feels like he’s trying to tell Renjun something but he can’t find the right words. 

“Why do you care so much, Donghyuck?” Renjun asks again, hopeful. “Why does it bother you so much? Why do you… why do you care?”

Silence is the next thing that comes between them. Renjun hopes for an answer and Donghyuck… he fails him again when he looks away.

Renjun bites his bottom lip to prevent tears from falling as he nods slowly in understanding. 

“Don’t ever do this again, Lee Donghyuck.”  
  


5

It’s Renjun’s free period. This time of the day is usually quiet, but not today. It gets harder to ignore the noise that other students make, even if Renjun has his headphones on because the screams just get louder and louder until he definitely cannot focus on the book he’s reading. 

When he turns around, the only thing he can see is a big group of people trying to squeeze into the hallway. 

The unusual sight makes him walk towards the crowd, stepping on the tip of his feet in an attempt to get a better look at what’s going on. When he realizes there’s no way he can see over that great amount of people, he looks around him until he finds a familiar face: Ryujin.

“What’s going on?” he asks when he’s close enough to her so she can hear him.

“Lee Donghyuck and Shin Jaesu are going to fight! They’re in the hallway right now-”

Ryujin doesn’t finish talking and Renjun is already fighting with the bodies in the crowd to make it to the other side. He doesn’t care about the swears some of them send to him nor the uncomfortable feeling of having them all shoving him. The only thing he cares about is to reach Donghyuck soon.

Renjun doesn’t even stop to catch a breath when he finally makes it to the front. He barely registers the people chanting their names or the heated conversation Donghyuck and Jaesu seem to have. The only thing in his mind is to stop him, them. And that’s what he does.

He walks until he’s close to Donghyuck and slides an arm around his waist, pulling him back slightly, but it really doesn’t have to do anything when the next thing he hears is a growl coming from Donghyuck.

“Just shut your fucking mouth!”

“Or what? Are you going to punch me? Do you really wanna get in trouble?”

Donghyuck tries to take a step in Jaesu’s direction and Renjun doesn’t let him. 

“Stop this.”

Only then Donghyuck registers Renjun’s presence and his eyes soften just a little bit. 

“Jun-”

“Stop it, please,” Renjun repeats.

“Jun, you don’t understand! He–”

But then again, Renjun cuts him off.

“I don’t care, Donghyuck. Just stop this. Let’s go somewhere else.”

For just a second Renjun thinks Donghyuck will do as he says. When he relaxes his body and looks at him instead of focusing on the guy who’s standing a few meters away from him, Renjun thinks he has this.

But then Donghyuck slowly frees himself from the tight grip Renjun has on him. He shoves him away with his eyes still staring into his own. He shoves him away and doesn’t look back before he throws the first punch.

-

**_to: Nana_ **

So I left. He pushed me away…

**_from: Nana_ **

Do you know why they were fighting?

**_to: Nana_ **

Probably because of something stupid. Donghyuck doesn’t like Jaesu.

**_from: Nana_ **

Neither Jen and I. 🙄

But anyway, Jen was there when everything started. He told me Jaesu was talking shit about you 

with his friends and that Hyuck was casually walking around there when he heard him saying… 

well, bad things.

**_to: Nana_ **

What bad things?

**_from: Nana_ **

Jen didn’t tell me much ㅠㅠ but I asked Soyeon, she was there too and she said…

Jun, Jaesu said you were only another ass he could get whenever he wanted to. 

That’s why Hyuck reacted that way,  
  


+1

Donghyuck looks awful. He has a big purple mark on his cheekbone and a nasty cut on his lips. He really looks terrible, but Renjun knows Jaesu must be way worse.

Even with all of that traces of the fight, Donghyuck still looks ethereal for Renjun. At this point, he’s sure that no matter what he does or how he looks, no matter if Donghyuck enjoys that burning sensation running down his throat when he smokes or if the adrenaline he feels in his veins makes him do things that probably will hurt him later. At this point, Renjun is tired of pushing the other away.

Renjun has been there, sitting next to Donghyuck’s bed for over three hours now and he plans to stay until the boy wakes up because he wants to apologize. He wants to apologize and simply because he wants to make sure Donghyuck is okay.

He waits for another hour before Donghyuck slowly starts to wake up. 

His actions are followed by a groan, and some curses, Renjun knows. 

It’s like he’s looking for something when he moves his head around his room, Renjun realizes he’s looking for him when he stops right when their eyes meet.

“Hey,” Donghyuck’s voice sounds raspy. “You’re here.”

Renjun is quick to roll his eyes, “of course I am here. Did you expect me not to?”

The hurt boy tries to shrug and completely fails when another groan escapes from his lips.

“Hurts,” he mumbles and tries to just lay down without doing any other movement.

“It’ll hurt for just a few days. You need to take painkillers but it’ll be alright.”

Donghyuck copies Renjun’s smile and slowly he reaches for his hand. Expectant, Renjun lets him grab it and hold it as tight as his wounded body allows him to. 

“I’m sorry,” the boy says and just for a brief second he locks his gaze with Renjun’s. “I know you don’t like it but I-”

“I know.”

Renjun’s free hand travels until it lays on top of Donghyuck’s. He strokes the back of his hands with his fingertips and smiles a little more when his friend’s cheeks turn slightly pink. 

“I know why you did it,” he continues without stopping his actions, “I wanted to apologize because I didn’t listen to you and because I pushed you away. I also wanted to say thank you for defending me even when we were not on good terms.”

“I will never let anyone hurt you, Jun.”

Maybe it’s such sincerity in his words or maybe it’s his own heart that breaks that big wall he built to prevent hurt. Maybe it’s just him being tired of running away. Maybe, maybe…

There might be a lot of things Renjun is not sure about, but there’s this one thing he knows and he trusts.

Renjun moves his body closer and just lets his own self do what he really wanted to. What he dreamt to do.  He doesn’t hesitate, simply moving forward until his lips meet Donghyuck’s damaged ones. He holds back the need to kiss him hard, eagerly, and instead settles for a sweet, short, and light kiss. He maybe repeats it a couple of times before sitting straight again.

When Donghyuck looks at him, he’s sure he sees in his eyes the same beaming light he knows he has whenever his eyes are fixed on him, and it makes his heart race.

“I’m not good for you, Junnie,” Donghyuck’s voice is soft and cautions, but Renjun knows him way too well to know he’s just trying to save them both.

Donghyuck doesn’t know Renjun is tired of it too.

“Neither am I, Hyuck,” he whispers, “but I want you to be always by my side. I want to be with you and I’m tired of pretending I don’t.” 

A weak smile makes its way on Donghyuck’s face. 

“I love you.” 

Renjun brushes the few strands of hair that fall over the other’s forehead. He slowly bends down again, this time his lips find the way to leave a kiss right where his fingers were before.

“I love you too.” 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story!  
> Let me know what do you think?
> 
> [ twitter: jaenanam ](https://twitter.com/jaenanam)  
> [ curiouscat ](https://curiouscat.me/jaenanam)


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